sophrosyne

2012-02-09T01:43:00.002-05:00

The sound of a thought-
conclusive, elusive;
that

-Is

Recipe List

2012-02-08T12:53:00.004-05:00

1. No-Knead Bread
2. Dumplings with Sichuan Peppercorn
3. Snickerdoodles
4. Tagliatelle with Smoked Salmon
5. Garides me Anitho
6. Gingersnaps
7. Yakionigiri
8. Xiaolongbao
9. Jianbing
10. Crepes
11. Salt Shrimp
12. Tamago Gohan
13. Scallion Pancake (Cong You Bing)
14. Roasted Chicken Salad with Crunch
15. Chai Oatmeal Cookies
16. Hainanese Chicken Rice
17. Chive Pockets (Jiu Cai He Zi)
18. Gingered Sesame Noodles
19. Ginger Shrimp
20. Matcha Green Tea Shortbread
21. Florentine Cookies
22. Steamed Clams
23. Linguine with Pea Pesto
24. Pasta e Broccoli
25. Broccoli Pesto Pasta
26. Braised Eggplant with Garlic Sauce
27. Sangchu Geotjeori
28. Chawanmushi
29. Tomato Sauce
30. Cookie Dough Reese's Cups
31. Maple Bars Bacon Long Johns Doughnuts

day 12

2012-02-06T01:53:00.001-05:00

Day 12 - If you could trade places with anyone for one week, who would it be and why?

I'm taking this interpretation as that you/anyone else would still be going about your same daily routine, you'd just be like an omniscient observer on said shoulder and they would too. I feel like I'd want to trade places with someone who's batshit insane or just from something I don't understand in a place that I'd never be able to visit (often) - aka, someone like Ahmadinejad or actually, maybe just any ordinary person in Iran, so I could see Isfahan, Teheran, Persepolis, Ctesphion, and all those places hidden off from the world, and understand whatever twisted form of sharia and anti-Western sentiments they're spewing out over there and why it's coming out or where it's coming from. Or maybe someone in inner Mongolia or Tibet, or Yunnan, or maybe Miley Cyrus. The last one would be a hoot. And then they could see the life of a semi-normal college kid in the US and pass out. ...Oh man, I don't think I'd want to trade places with any of my friends though. They're all messed up in their own way and I'm pretty sure if I wanted to know more about them I'd ask, even though it seems like everyone has their own pretty interesting life going on.

Editeditedit I would want to be the writer of EatingAsia. Because if I was that clever and talented with languages and not Asian, that is the life I would want to be able to do.

day 11

2012-02-05T12:52:00.001-05:00

Day 11 - Do you feel protective over someone?

I think I feel protective over all of my friends to some extent - if they're coming to me for help with things, on that specific issue I want to try to help navigate them through it. (Hello, you are the temporary Polaris!) Otherwise...not really. I don't think I'm the best arbiter of protecting people from things, or the best person to do that job. And it's hard to be protective over someone when you're trying to learn how to see everyone as equals, because in order to be protective, I feel like you have to see yourself as above them, in a certain manner, because they can't help themselves, and I think that's not a good mindset to be in if you're friends with someone. Granted, it happens on its own sometimes, but it shouldn't be for an extended period of time.

day 10

2012-02-04T23:48:00.002-05:00

Day 10 - Did you have a good day or a bad day? Where do you think that defining line was?

I had a good day today - figured out the recipe to Oegadgib's salad dressing, ate, did a little bit of physics, went to practice, came back, watched my roommates play Game of Thrones and backstab each other, and played LoL. Pretty much an ordinary day, but I think that's why it's a good day. Ordinary days are good days, super happy days are good days, and honestly, I find that defining line to be as long as I didn't have anything terribly bad happen to me that day, that it would be a good day, unless I happened to roll out of the wrong side of the bed in the morning...but bad things usually happen on those days, anyways, since they generally start out with pouring buckets of rain and slush.

2012-01-09T00:50:00.001-05:00

glad to see shit that bothers me matters to you too

2011-11-30T11:58:00.001-05:00

11 months, almost?

merr. happy almost year, indeed...

2011-11-16T01:47:00.000-05:00

No, these days I'm not sure of anything anymore.

2011-11-03T12:30:00.001-04:00

"If only there could be an invention that bottled up a memory, like scent. And it never faded, and it never got stale. And then, when one wanted it, the bottle could be uncorked, and it would be like having the moment all over again."

2011-10-23T23:19:00.001-04:00

No one said it would be easy, they just promised it'd be worth it.

2011-10-18T23:22:00.001-04:00

"Those who love you are not fooled by mistakes you have made or dark images you hold about yourself. They remember your beauty when you feel ugly; your wholeness when you are broken; your innocence when you feel guilty; and your purpose when you are confused."

2011-10-14T00:27:00.005-04:00

"People were created to be loved. Things were created to be used. The reason why the world is in chaos is because things are being loved and people are being used."

2011-10-04T23:12:00.001-04:00

I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

Still imagining Morgan Freeman reading out Invictus, which was a terrific movie.

2011-08-21T19:03:00.003-04:00

starting to realize how fragile being human can really be. god i really want to be healthy for the rest of my life.

2011-08-15T16:15:00.001-04:00

I think I read the news when I was in fifth grade, or in middle school, more, because back then I didn't fully understand the gravity of what I was reading, or what the big picture was. The news helped me form my conception of that big picture...and then, once I had it, somewhere in high school, or college, I stopped wanting to read because I got disgusted with the politicians (that's when I stopped reading A-section of the Post, and also the Metro section, thank you DC...), afraid of what would happen to the financial markets (good-bye business section,), and then that just left me with Food, Travel, Style (and the comics!!!) and even some of those were weekly, and then I stopped reading altogether, and stopped knowing what was going on. And then every time I picked up the news, I didn't want to read more because it just made me terrified of what was going on in the world and that everything seemed to be pointing to everything - foreign policy, our economy, the world's economy, countries and their civil wars, etc - going to pieces.

But more and more, I don't think that that's the attitude that I should have. Because I think everyone wants the world to be a better place (at least, a better place as they've conceived it), and there's no way to do that without being informed. And being uninformed and uninterested is an easy, quiet way to contribute to the continuing deterioration of our civil society as we know it. Maybe because I'm riding the collective wave of disgust that anyone with half an inkling of what's going on in American politics today has for Congress and their ineffectiveness to do anything except for bicker, or maybe because I want this country to succeed still, just so me and my children and their children's children can live without fear of their economy collapsing or their rights being infringed upon, or maybe because those bitches up there have slowly and methodically been picking away at places I want to work or support at in the future with their proposed/implemented funding cuts to the DOT and Amtrak.

So over the course of this year, I am going to make sure that I will read, and read, and read, and read, and read, and submerse myself in knowing the world and things that happen in it, because that is an obligation that I have to fulfill for myself and what I want the future to be like.

2011-08-09T21:20:00.000-04:00

something furious this way comes

2011-07-31T20:44:00.025-04:00

It seems like every time I take a leap of faith and go hello, here is my heart, be good with it, I should have just stayed still and kept it safe with myself.

Then again, perhaps taking leaps of faith might entail the understanding that you'll get hurt, but they'll make it okay, too.And it's a leap of faith, right?

But leaping, and falling in love felt like joy, and weightlessness, and oddly enough, like the opposite of falling. Nowadays, I feel like I'm falling, and my heart's laden and made of pavements, and about to crash and that no one will stop or ease that fall, and terrified that I'm going to make an error in judgement again even though I don't think I am, but I haven't trusted what I thought for a long time because it's too easy to convince myself of other people's good intentions, and not that they don't care about me, but that they're good for me. And if I could just trust what I thought, then I think that feeling would go away, and I think I'm getting there, but I think...because of that, I'd put far too much burden of proof for him to furnish without realizing it, which I do know now, and that after I realized, I don't think I have done that for a while. But when all is said and done, I think...perhaps it is very much just something that requires having the patience of a saint. Which I am not sure I have, or that being a saint is possible, or that not being a saint might sometimes be a better course of action. But none of those are things that I can decide, or know, or predict, or do anything rather than just roll with it.

But I think he is good, and good for me. I think. And I think that's enough.

I think, but I don't know, and I don't believe, either, when I used to all three, and that unsettles me, though. But being in this sort of haze-fuzz-unhappy is sometimes good, too. I've read a lot more, gone out and done a lot more, finally got started on the paintings again, came up with concepts for the temple drawings that I was planning on doing, gotten work to do, and pretty much kept myself busy. It's nice though. I enjoyed Reading Lolita in Tehran far more than I expected to be - perhaps because Nafisi's writing expressed her and who she was and what she felt so well, not because it was a revolutionary tale of some tragic women's literature group in the face of the Iranian Revolution, with impassioned speech and revelations, which is why I expected to like it, but because it was a candid, honest look into a person's life. Granted, sometimes the random literature references interspersed into there felt too forced...but at the same time, it's like speaking to Mona or Sarah back in high school, who loved literature and then would somehow slip a reference to Woolf or Flaubert into a conversation that would turn into a discussion about Bovary or Walcott, before slipping its way back to other topics, or to the teachers I had, who sounded just like Nafisi when they taught, because they all truly believed that literature both reflected and transcended reality, and in the power and the beauty of words constructed and sewn carefully into characters and a world that would spring to life with the first page of the book but live on in the imagination, long after the last word was read, and tried to make us understand their passion for the written word and pass on to us that knowledge of how to see that parallel world, which I think I'm finally capable of learning.

Yet for all those things, and for all the other thoughts that keep me busy during the day, thinking over high speed or freight rail or transportation or even GIS, and the others - being busy during the day is nice, and easy to do but harder is..busy at night, when there's too much waiting and idle time and scattered thoughts that coalesce into coherence too easily. That small, laughing, stupid, malicious voice that always tells you that something is wrong, that something will be wrong, that you're doomed to fuck up and cause misery, that you're not worth it, that you're just a substitution for someone else, that you deserve everything that's happened to you........oh, to be able to finally mute it, when it once had seemed gone for good. There's so much to be on both the side of it's getting there, and it is good, and that with more patience, that feeling of terror and that stupid voice will be erased...but that feeling of terror is still very much there, and it would be nice not to feel like I'm trying to fight it alone, although paradoxically, once I don't feel like I am, it'll go away almost immediately, too. And it's not only that, it's one of those point where life in general is confusing, wondering if I'm really walking down a path that I can be successful in, or if I'm doomed to fail just because I am who I am., wondering if and when things will start happening, knowing that I just have to wait, and wait.

And it's not like I wish I could flash time back and just live in the beginning of the year all over again, I just want to find some sort of stability and a base that I? he? we can settle into, rather than feeling like I'm coaxing tangential meetings and intersections of lives that seem to be growing both closer and farther apart - because what does that mean? Do you look at the closeness, taking heart in the small things that have slowly started re-appearing, and perhaps the glimmerings of things to come, or the furtherness, wondering about the seemingly small things that were once there and are now gone, and the feeling of unintentional neglect? and how and when do you learn what a stable, comfortable rhythm is? I feel like its kind of like an orchestra warming up - you hear that mass of strings groaning and tuning, your woodwinds blaring, and some damn trumpet bleating its own damn tune, and then suddenly it all quiets down and the violins, violas, cellos, all start tuning up and being in key, and then the conductor goes out, and you know the mess of sound is going to end, and then you know how it's going in be, even though while they're warming up you have no idea how long it's going to be or how badly your eardrums are going to be assaulted. And you go in at the beginning of the concert thinking you know exactly how this is going to turn out...and then while they're tuning you're just like oh god, oh god, why?! And even then, the music still ends up being a delight and a surprise (usually), even on things you've heard in recordings hundreds of thousands of times . And the more I think about it perhaps..relationships, in some ways, are very much like a concert.

But either way, I want this summer to be over, because my entire prediction of it's going to be a long summer was right, and I just want something to change, because I feel like I'm sitting at a crossroads, and I hate waiting, knowing that I need knowledge and I'll get it eventually, but that I don't have it right now. I hate not knowing things, and being patient and waiting, knowing that it will come but not yet. Rrgh.

2011-07-24T17:14:00.005-04:00

You have to decide what your highest priorities are and have the courage - pleasantly, smilingly, nonapologetically - to say ‘no’ to other things. And the way to do that is by having a bigger ‘yes’ burning inside. The enemy of the ‘best’ is often the ‘good.’
- Stephen Cove

day 9

2011-07-10T22:24:00.001-04:00

day 9 - where do you see yourself in 10 years?

in ten years....i'm not sure. i know where i want to be in ten years, but as a twenty-year old, looking out onto the future of jobs and work and family and mortgages and most importantly, responsibilities - it terrifies me, and i'm not sure i want to think about it in anything more than the abstract.

what do i want to be at though? i guess - i want to be up to a relatively high-medium level as a planner, either in the planning or transportation departments of the state or county, but specializing in transit. or maybe working at the dot, who knows. i want to have bought my first house, and i guess i'd hope to be happily wed and maybe with a mini-me or a mini-him on the way or a year or two old. but who knows ? ten years is a long time, and even in the past year or three i've changed, although...i guess three years ago, i would have still said the same thing.

but i'm more afraid to think about it nowadays because it seems like i'm starting to walk in the direction that i want my life to take, and i'm liking it so far, and i want to not overplan, not get overeager, and not try to force things down a path too early and just enjoy life as it comes, rather than doing what i do with books and reading the ending before i've even gotten through a fourth of the book, because...it's more enjoyable and surprising this way.

2011-07-07T00:36:00.006-04:00

It's an interesting feeling to be in the same position, listening to the same topic, but with an entirely different feel to the conversation and mindset. Not quite, but almost deja vu.

2011-07-05T18:08:00.001-04:00

mopearoo.

2011-07-03T22:42:00.000-04:00

sometimes, feeling home comes from being at mona's just as much as being at home does

2011-07-01T17:02:00.001-04:00

to do list for summer:

1. clean room
2. get doubles repierced
3. figure out if i want to get inked
4. clean room at home
5. read news

day 8

2011-06-23T22:54:00.002-04:00

Day 8 - Write about the first moment that comes to your head when you read the words “childhood memory”

My childhood memories are of growing up not at home, but at my uncle's house, with my grandfather. Although I suppose it does make sense, because for the first few years of my life, they raised me as much as my parents did. I think my most distinct "childhood memory" - probably because I did it so much - was when I got to the house - usually my grandparents/uncle/aunt's house, although it would be true for my parents house also - and if grandpa wasn't inside, I'd run to the back and check the garden - where, of course, I would find him. And if he wasn't outside, then I knew we'd be going outside soon. I'd learn about string beans, the proper way to grow tomatoes, why there was orange netting around the garden (to keep out the rabbits and the deer), I'd marvel at the fuzzy-ness of dong-gua vines, and discovered my first slug. (gross - although I believe this was at my parent's house, when he was gardening there.) I remember knowing even then how terrible I was at not drenching my shirt or shorts when I watered the plants overenthusiastically, and I remember the smell of the chinese oil he'd used to slather all over himself to keep the bugs away, and how amused he was at how I wanted to water everything, and well, I'm pretty sure my desire to garden in my old age comes from him. There are other disjointed ones, such as making butter in the main room at Franklin Montessori, or the distinct one where there was a picture-thing where you could use food coloring and sponges to make pictures and one obnoxious kid making fun of me for only doing that once I'd moved up from afternoon-nap-kids class, or wandering into my grandma's room upstairs when she was also living with us and watching her rock in the rocking chair, but none are as distinct, or as happy, as those afternoons of learning how to garden. That's the grandfather that I miss, and in a way, sometimes, I wonder if we would have been closer if he had still been able to keep on gardening up until last year.

day 7

2011-06-15T20:57:00.000-04:00

Day 7 - Think of the last person you hugged. What would you do if they vanished completely?

I don't know. It's not to say that I haven't thought about it and what life would be like now without him, but...no, please.

day 6

2011-06-12T21:33:00.000-04:00

Day 6 - Talk about a recent experience that has affected you greatly and how.

I think the thing that's affected me the most recently is my grandfather passing away. Not because of death, I think that's something our family's slowly made its grace with over the past ten years, but because of just finding out how he lived. From learning that he ran 3 miles a day when my dad first met my mom, to the love that all of his neighbors had for him - even though he didn't speak English that well, some other surprising family secrets here and there, to the ridiculous war stories, including his favorite of eating 11 mantou and 2 bowls of xifan, or his constant reminder of reading better, living better, or education gives you power, to learning that he donated all the salary he earned at 4-H back to 4-H, I think my grandfather, the more I learn about who he was and think back on how he did live, has become my definition of what a "good" person is, even with all his flaws, and somehow now, I see the world in a better light because of him, and I've got someone to live up to now. I miss gramps, and I wish I was a better granddaughter to him - but I think somewhere up there, he'll be proud someday, and I want him to be. :)

day 5

2011-06-08T23:33:00.000-04:00

Day 5 - Pick a song that projects the same mood as your day or week and explain.

Erm, not really one of those days or weeks that has a song that fits well - you know how it goes. Songs I've been listening to on repeat this week (at least in the car) - F.I.R. - Yue Ya Wan, Pitbull - Give Me Everything, Hellogoodbye - Here in Your Arms, Maroon 5 - Never Gonna Leave This Bed. I guess Here in Your Arms would probably fit my mood the most, but I'm in a peppy music mood, which equals that I'm happy, but I'm also super tired from starting work, so I think that discontinuity makes it hard to pick.

day 4

2011-06-05T12:05:00.003-04:00

day 4 - What do you think it means to be in love?

being in love is frustratingly simple, too complicated, and a mess of contradictions. it's a feeling of soaring happiness that makes you feel like you're radiating more than the sun and about to overload with emotion, or it's the feeling of absolute contentment and peace with the world, because being in love just makes everything in the world good. but it can also be a feeling of abject loneliness, making you feel small inside, with a weight that tears too much on your heart and a restless mind, because you've learned what incompleteness feels like in their absence. it means a thousand different things that are different to every person, because each person falls in love differently, but when they're in love, the feeling is the same. it's a little bit of insanity, because i think you have to give up a little bit of reality to be in love, to linger in that half-world of daydreaming. i don't think you can know completely how or why you are in love, though. you can know some of the reasons why, and things that add to it, and how you started falling in love, - because that's easy enough to reason out, but the complete whole? i don't think so. i think there's something you just can't explain about why you're in love, because when you're in love, while you can count those reasons or things, what keeps you in love is for them filling in the spaces in between those singular reasons or things with who they are just as much, and other people could do the same things for you and it would feel wrong.

i guess being in love, at least for me, makes me think of being in perfect harmony - with even supposedly discordant notes feeling "right" when taken in context with everything else.

day 3

2011-06-02T23:56:00.000-04:00

day 3 - where have you been spending your time lately? 3/5/10 years ago would you have expected to be there?

My laptop. And yes, 3 and 5 years ago, I would have expected to be there...10 years ago, I don't think I knew how far ahead I could think.

day 2

2011-06-01T17:16:00.005-04:00

Day 2 - Who are you? In comparison to who you used to be. What made you change?

I am me. I think, in the most fundamental ways, I am still the same - people still are the primary focus of my life, I'm still as prickly and silly and can get offended over various tone and connotation things, and I'm still a slacker, but I think in many ways, that overwhelming drive to prove that I'm something has stopped. I've learned to be somewhat more comfortable in my skin, or if anything, grown a thicker one. Granted, I still can't handle anything negative, or people being annoyed with me, and I'm definitely still illogicaly logical, but I think I'm just more mellow now. What changed me? I don't know, but I think it's been being away from home, learning to slowly pick up after myself and be responsible, trying my best to be thoughtful and take care of others, losing myself and finding myself again, and in the process, learning to look past what people say, and look at their actions instead - and also making sure I can do stuff, not just say stuff, too. And I guess its the latter two that have changed me the most - I never want to feel the way I felt again over not the past half year, but the two years before that, and I never want anyone I care about to feel alone. Perhaps, best described as less a dreamer, more a realist, but in the end, it might just all be the same, since I still have the same mentality of que será, será.

day 1

2011-05-31T23:51:00.001-04:00

Day 1 - What happened today? If it was the last day of your life, how satisfied would you be with your final hours?

Today was pretty uneventful. I woke up, called Bank of America - I think the guy in the recovery department was pretty confused as to why he was getting this phone call as there were no problems, and I was fairly chipper for calling 2 minutes past their 8 am opening, but hey, gotta make sure everything works out. Then went to College Park afterwards, after dropping my mom off at her office. I think today was when I made the realization that I've somehow learned how to really, really, hate DC traffic - probably in conjunction with me driving a lot more in the past few months, as this is the third? or fourth time I've gotten stuck on the Beltway for no reason at all, other than for the fact that the Beltway makes s-curves around Connecticut Ave. and Colesville, or because there's afternoon sun coming off from the Mormon Temple. I may not be able to right turn expertly anymore (gg, where did that happen?) but at least I know how to drive sensibly on the highway. Also am getting pretty pleased by my usage of cruise control late at night, because I've avoided like 3x speed traps with cops. So really, I'm learning how to be a good driver! Played a few games of League of Legends when I got to the house - they were pretty bad, and then napped until practice. Learned a section of the intermediate spear form, which is pretty enjoyable and makes sense (I think the intermediate forms somehow make more sense to me than beginner) - and all in all, was pretty good, albeit long, airconditionless and sweaty. Starting to get worried about feeling all mucus-y in my lungs all the time when I'm exercising, but merr. Got back to the house, showered, went to Checkers, googled for Windows Active Directory and Ruby on Rails stuff (surprisingly, trying to figure out how the code works with no background amuses me a lot.) So it's easier to pick up on what the code's trying to get at.) - and then came home, and got bombarded with Mom being exasperating, as she always is. Also realized I left my phone in College Park, so, all in all, pretty average day with all the normal things happening, including forgetting my phone.

If it was the last day of my life, hmm, I wouldn't be satisfied. I mean, it's average and all, and I'm good with it being average. I don't need anything exciting, or extraordinary, or to have done all the things that I've wanted, because there's always something that you wouldn't have done yet, in the end. The only reason I wouldn't be satisfied is because I'm silly and like waking up and falling asleep to him. I think if I had an average day, for my final hours, I wouldn't mind at all, as long as I had been able to have that in the morning and the night.

30 day challenge: themes

2011-05-31T02:16:00.000-04:00

Pretty bored, and haven't really written in a while. So why not?
----------------------------------------------------------
Day 1 - What happened today? If it was the last day of your life, how satisfied would you be with your final hours?
Day 2 - Who are you? In comparison to who you used to be. What made you change?
Day 3 - Where have you been spending your time lately? Three/Five/Ten years ago would you have expected to be there?
Day 4 - What do you think it means to be in love?
Day 5 - Pick a song that projects the same mood as your day or week and explain.
Day 6 - Talk about a recent experience that has effected you greatly and how.
Day 7 - Think of the last person you hugged. What would you do if they vanished completely?
Day 8 - Write about the first moment that comes to your head when you read the words “childhood memory”
Day 9 - Where do you see yourself in 10 years?
Day 10 - Did you have a good day or a bad day? Where do you think that defining line was?
Day 11 - Do you feel protective over someone?
Day 12 - If you could trade places with anyone for one week, who would it be and why?
Day 13 - Where do you see your best friend in 10 years?
Day 14 - When you are stressed, what can you use as an outlet? Why do you think it helps you?
Day 15 - What do you believe in? And not just God or atheism.
Day 16 - What are you passionate about?
Day 17 - Is there anything you would you like to change about yourself?
Day 18 - Talk about your extended family. Why do you think they are the way they are?
Day 19 - If you could be anywhere in the world, but you had to be there for a certain cause, where would you be and why?
Day 20 - Again, pick a song that projects the mood of your week or day.
Day 21 - Look back. Why did you choose this challenge? Do you think it says anything about you?
Day 22 - How do you think people see you? Be a little negative and a little positive.
Day 23 - Explain your life plan for the next month, then the next year, then three years, then five years.
Day 24 - Are you more social or independent? Why do you think that is?
Day 25 - What do you think it means to be a good parent?
Day 26 - Talk about a moment where you were truly happy. What was happening? Who were you with?
Day 27 - Is there a friend you are worried about? Why do they have you concerned? Do you think they’ll be okay?
Day 28 - Would you rather someone tell you the truth up front but gently, or be lied to to spare your feelings?
Day 29 - If you could be doing the same things you do now, only in your own way, how would a normal day in your life go?
Day 30 - Look back on this last month and talk about it.

2011-05-26T04:00:00.000-04:00

The problem with drinking caffeine, specifically with coffee, even in as limited amounts as bottled frappucinos have, is slight paranoia. I need to lay off of it. Also, I've learned to hate sleeping alone again.

2011-05-25T12:48:00.004-04:00

I hate being home.

2011-05-24T03:42:00.000-04:00

This is going to be a long summer, isn't it?

2011-05-13T18:35:00.000-04:00

I lost my keys again what the heck t-t

2011-05-01T22:14:00.006-04:00

是誰的愛啊, 比淚水堅強
輕聲呼喚, 就讓我融化
每一滴雨水, 演化成我翅膀
向著我愛的人追吧

2011-04-24T23:30:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I'm afraid everything'll go to shit, and it'll just be a repeat of everything that's happened before. And I know it's just that, but all that miserable feeling hasn't gone away or even fixed yet, and now minor things just add to it even though they shouldn't, which makes my insecurities eat me alive. Maybe I should have waited, but then I would probably have waited years, because I know me well enough to know that waiting would never have fixed anything for me, the fix for all of that would be the opposite of what had caused it. But maybe that's something I have to learn to fix on my own? And fix the insecure? I dunno, maybe I ask too much out of other people, too, and maybe other people were right on that about me. Either way, it's a weird feeling, feeling both happier than you ever have been before and then feeling lonelier than you ever have been too not too long after.

"When you are young, you think it's going to be solved by love. But it never is. Being close -- as close as you can get -- to another person only makes clear that impassable distance between you."
"If being in love only made people more lonely, why would everyone want it so much?'
"Because of the illusion. You fall in love, it's intoxicating, and for a little while you feel like you've actually become one with the other person. Merged souls and so on. You think you'll never be lonely again."

2011-04-19T14:08:00.001-04:00

Why won't the stupid crazy dreams stop already?

2011-04-17T11:01:00.002-04:00

Day 1. > <.

2011-04-06T00:38:00.003-04:00

"Maybe the first time you saw her you were ten. She was standing in the sun scratching her legs. Or tracing letters in the dirt with a stick. Her hair was being pulled. Or she was pulling someone's hair. And a part of you was drawn to her, and a part of you resisted--wanting to ride off on your bicycle, kick a stone, remain uncomplicated. In the same breath you felt the strength of a man, and a self-pity that made you feel small and hurt. Part of you thought: Please don't look at me. If you don't, I can still turn away. And part of you thought: Look at me."
-- the history of love

2011-03-27T13:39:00.006-04:00

i promise to be less forgetful. aka, i promise to be more responsible. -___- i am pile of stupid

also for the rest of the semester:

[ ] no gchat until i finish work due tomorrow, or at least 75% of it
[ ] less facebook
[ ] make list of all my perishables in fridge
[x] ~~fix my~~ laptop ~~- parts finally~~ ordered LOL FAIL
[x]~~steadily diminish pile of laundry next to bed.~~ heck yess :D

2011-03-14T18:33:00.001-04:00

"When people break up, they usually handle it in one of two ways. They either push themselves to forget about it and move on, or they wallow in depression, holding on. In my opinion, I don’t think it’s good to do either. Trying to forget means getting rid of all the experiences and lessons. Dwelling means not accepting and growing from the same experiences/lessons."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9xg1-dzWg3A

2011-03-09T17:50:00.006-05:00

Blessed, lucky, and all that goes with all of that. Mostly though...happiness.

2011-02-19T01:30:00.003-05:00

I miss you. D>:

2011-02-14T00:36:00.009-05:00

I am happy, and I don't think I've ever been happier, or felt lighter/freer. It's a strange feeling that I'm not used to, but I don't want it to go away. Is it love? I think so, or better phrased, I know so. But it's not that deep, yet, so that kind of changes my perception of it. So perhaps, falling in love? That feeling of incandescence isn't present as much now, in a sense - whatever I feel, it's much softer now. I don't think I could sustain feeling like I was radiating more than the sun more than those two or three times that I felt it that intensely, anyways. But I think a kind of comfortable familiarity has started to take root instead, and it's a very calm feeling of contentment that in some ways, is even nicer than variable blazing outbursts of happiness. Although feeling those is definently still amazing and crazy and nice in a wholly different sense of the word.

But the happy feeling's tempered by two things. One is irrational, and I can't do anything about, other than chalk it up to my own insecurities and roll my eyes at me being silly, and I think it's a fear which everyone gains when they get into a relationship. And in some ways, it does make the happiness more meaningful. The other, however, is a fails of my own doing - and which I can quote the Little Prince on - "Men have forgotten this truth," said the fox. "But you must not forget it. You become responsible, forever, for what you have tamed." Responsibilities and duties. Sigh.

Be mine, valentine? :)

2011-02-06T12:45:00.001-05:00

"Sometimes me think what is love, and then me think love is what last cookie is for. Me give up the last cookie for you."
- Cookie Monster

2011-01-30T10:59:00.002-05:00

I want to learn French just so I can read the Little Prince in its original form. Bahaha.

2011-01-27T18:10:00.001-05:00

I think the four primary modes of my life are "in transit," "waiting," "oh shit," and "calm/happy." Sometimes I think time breakdown works: 40% in transit, 50% waiting, 2.5% oh shit, and 7.5% calm/happy. Or something like that, maybe I'm making things up. But it generally goes either waiting -> in transit -> calm/happy -> in transit -> cycle starts over or waiting -> oh shit -> in transit -> calm -> waiting -> cycle starts over.

Right now would be most definitely an in-waiting period though. Sigh. I'd like for it to hurry up >:[.

2011-01-16T22:29:00.005-05:00

Scattered excerpts from my old college essays that I enjoy.

"The world outside is in the falling, quiet days of autumn. The leaves are ablaze in red and gold, singing their swan song before they fade into the brown emptiness of winter. Those same shades of red and gold trail across a festooned banner celebrating my grandfather's ninety-fifth birthday. He too, is in autumn, and his tanned skin moves patch by sunburnt patch towards an end he regards with an immense serenity. The calmness in which he lives his days is only punctuated by his steadfast belief in carpe diem and his repeated lectures on the power of education. “Knowledge is power,” he says, and the wrinkles on his face crinkle with unsaid thoughts and laughter. I listen, and in his stories I find the motivation to know. Those words have sent me on a search for the same comfortable understanding of the world that would give my voice the same kind of tranquility and wisdom that radiates from his words as he speaks his quiet murmur."

"Most afternoons, I'm on stage. Not as an actor – as a creator. One of the many that create the otherworld of drama productions. As chief of lighting crew, it's my job to accentuate the painted conglomeration known as the set and the makeup-hardened faces of the actors. It's simple in theory – design, set up, and run the lights. That doesn't cover how absorbing it is, especially on performance nights. It's thrilling to watch the audience respond subconsciously to the variations in light. But it's not just what I've done – it's what I've learned. How to take and create an aesthetically appealing reality out of our director's ideas, effectively manage my crew's time, solve problems related to our 40year-old decaying electrical system, prepare effective backup plans due to said problems...those lessons (better categorized as learning how to be extremely flexible and responsible, grow lots of white hairs, and meet a horde of interesting people) have made all the rehearsals – even the ones until 10 pm – worth it. To tell the truth, though - the main reason I love working with lights is because I used to be (and possibly still am) afraid of the dark . The little girl in me gets a bit giddy at having the power to control it."

“Mass pandemonium! Mass chaos! Sign up right here!" My Chinese painting teacher should have said that instead of innocently asking whether I'd like to help her teach the elementary school class. I love the kids I help teach, I really do – they’re annoying, mischievous, charming, and weasel their way into your heart – maybe with a smile, or a joke, or some ludicrous antic that makes trying to teach them how to hold a brush, paint a flower or bird entirely worth it. At least I think I love them. But some days, it's just bad. Take five Sundays ago. There's Amy, the shy, youngest child in the class, who decides to pair up with the devil incarnate, better known as Justin in this life. And by the time I manage to shoo the intermediate students toward the teacher and finish the demonstration of chrysanthemums for the beginners, it sounds like it's raining inside. Something keeps splattering against the floor, and someone's foot keeps on squelching against whatever substance that is. And at that moment, slightly horrified, I realize that Amy and Justin's masterpiece isn't on the rice paper. It's on the floor. The Jackson Pollock-esque splatters of black ink on the grey linoleum make a handsome piece of modern art in both abstraction and size. The MoMa would probably want to take it - if they could pry it off the floor. But this is Chinese painting, and the style is still stuck in the 13th century, and away the ink must go, along with the tiger stripes Justin painted on my arm while I was standing there gawking. Of course, by now the entire roll of paper towels has transported itself into the nether realms, the younger children have managed to seize the miniature tubes of watercolors and squeeze ostrich-egg sized globs of paint out of them, Chris has Godzilla duking it out with flowers on his paper, and to top it all off, there are still four more late kids to teach chrysanthemums to. But other days, something clicks. The students watch. They learn. And they feel. Those days, it's as if they try to make the brush an extension of themselves, feeling themselves dip into the ink dish, onto the paper, and dragging their wrist, arms up and over, into a perfect rendition of a panda head and body, without any black splatters of ink over their papers or the floor. And the younger students only have dabs of watercolors in their color dishes. And as they sweep the colors onto the paper, the moss green, orange, and crimson mix perfectly to capture the beauty of autumnal leaves. And the leaves seem to sprout perfectly from the brown branch - which for once, seems tangible enough to support the elegantly plumed redbird sitting on it. Maybe the bird's beak is a bit misshapen, and the panda slightly plumper than normal, but it doesn't matter. It looks like pure, unprocessed beauty, and in my mind, and their minds, it must be one of the most amazing things that we've ever seen."

Oh, the memories. It's been a while since I wrote for the heck of it.

2011-01-07T04:55:00.001-05:00

Incandescent.

2011-01-01T02:55:00.000-05:00

Happy 2011! I am too much in the sobering up process to stay up much longer. But I think this year is ending on a good note, and that the next year will be awesome :)

2010-12-28T02:55:00.004-05:00

Had Kushi today for the second time. Still just as phenomenal as the first. List of food for future reference -

hamachi with scallion and ponzu
misoshiru miso soup
onigiri - ume
chicken breast with plum sauce and shiso skewer
black angus beef strip with eringi mushroom skewer
yaki ebi skewer
hamaguri (clam)
oyster
asparagus
salmon nigiri
hamachi nigiri
california roll
black sesame gelato
honey tangerine sorbet

I'm in heaven. Food sometimes is just best described as a transcendental experience, especially when it's this good twice.

Notetoself:writemoreaboutbreak...sometimesoon.

2010-12-16T21:03:00.003-05:00

Done! I want to curl up in bed and be happy forever.

2010-12-09T04:59:00.003-05:00

Funny how a year ago, I thought that this would be a good year. But then, when I think about it - it has been one of the most memorable years of my life - so I don't know if that makes it a good year or not, but I'll always remember what happened. I don't think I've ever been as miserable or cried as much in my life...but at the same time, some of the happiest moments of my life were also in this year.

However, right now, not quite as exciting. It is the week before finals, I'm working on an assignment due yesterday, and I'm sleepy. Very sleepy. But I'm looking at cars instead. And I have decided to, in my boredom, assign cars to the segment I would buy them in.

0-5000 : Find me a decent car in this range and I will buy it. I don't think I care what. :P
5000-15000: Scion tC, Post-'06 Honda Civic Coupe
15000+: Infiniti G35, Subaru Impreza WRX, Mini Cooper

I am really, really procrastinating aren't I.

2010-11-19T13:27:00.008-05:00

It's been almost 2 months now, and for the first time I can say I've finally calmed down about it. I feel older though, in the sense that I've learned so much about what people can do, both good and bad, that I never knew before nor really ever wanted to. The feelings are there still, but only just barely - it doesn't feel more than what I feel for most, if not all of my friends. They're miniscule in comparison to what they were before, and they'll never grow above them again, I think. That overall feeling of sadness and disappointment is still there and I don't think it will ever go away when I'm around him, but at the same time, I kind of just feel sorry for him sometimes, too. But there's still so much hurt that I just don't really want to be around him that much anymore, because I thought hanging out would have fixed things and made them better like it did last time - but it just makes that heart-wrenching feeling so much worse and just makes me not want to see him at all. And I don't really care about the relationship or fixing it anymore, I'm kind of just glad its gone. Ironically, he was right - maybe it was kind of foreshadowing that the only favorite song we really shared was Slow Dancing in a Burning Room - that no matter what, our relationship was going to fail from the beginning and both of us knew it, whether or not we wanted to admit it.

Maybe I needed this, but now, the relationship is past its' time and place. I don't think I'll ever take any relationship or even any friendship for granted ever again, because I'd never want to put someone through what I felt, and I feel like I'll make a far greater effort to communicate and be on the same page as the other person and make sure that they really are happy. Hopefully, one day, I can shower whoever him will be with as much love as humanly possible and maybe, maybe someday it will all work out and be returned.

But even though those feelings are gone, that sense of old and tired is still there. I feel like I was dying a little over the past year, and that the person I am today is far less sure about herself and how good she is because of a year of constant sniping and harshness from someone who I thought I loved (and perhaps I did) but who didn't love me back. And I don't really know how to change that other than just ignoring all that hurt and trying to be as good of a person as I can be.

But at least now, I feel like a giant weight has been lifted off my shoulders, and I feel free. And happier than I have in a long time, because I'm starting to feel like me again.

2010-11-10T03:52:00.002-05:00

still sad.

2010-11-09T01:50:00.004-05:00

Things You Do Not Realize You Change When You Are Dating And Now Realize In Your Single-dom
1. Earring Wearage. - Earrings blow when you're trying to cuddle.
2. Douche level - Yes, your ex-boyfriend definently had major douche qualities.
3. People - How many people you run into that you haven't seen in a while because you're finally seeing people again!
4. Happiness - Not crying 4/7 nights out of a week is a glorious feeling.
5. TBC.

2010-11-03T01:13:00.000-04:00

tired, sad, lonely and all around pretty glum.

2010-10-20T00:28:00.004-04:00

right now there's a war between the vanities,
but all i see is you and me,
and the fight for you is all i've ever known, so come home.

i get lost in the beauty of everything i see
the world ain't as half as bad as they paint it to be
if all the sons and all the daughters stop to take it in
well hopefully the hate subsides and the love can begin

it might start now, or maybe i'm just dreaming out loud

2010-10-02T18:04:00.000-04:00

Para que tú me oigas
mis palabras
se adelgazan a veces
como las huellas de las gaviotas en las playas.

Collar, cascabel ebrio
para tus manos suaves como las uvas.

Y las miro lejanas mis palabras.
Más que mías son tuyas.
Van trepando en mi viejo dolor como las yedras.

Ellas trepan así por las paredes húmedas.
Eres tú la culpable de este juego sangriento.

Ellas están huyendo de mi guarida oscura.
Todo lo llenas tú, todo lo llenas.

Antes que tú poblaron la soledad que ocupas,
y están acostumbradas más que tú a mi tristeza.

Ahora quiero que digan lo que quiero decirte
para que tú las oigas como quiero que me oigas.

El viento de la angustia aún las suele arrastrar.
Huracanes de sueños aún a veces las tumban.

Escuchas otras voces en mi voz dolorida.
Llanto de viejas bocas, sangre de viejas súplicas.
Ámame, compañera. No me abandones. Sígueme.
Sígueme, compañera, en esa ola de angustia.

Pero se van tiñendo con tu amor mis palabras.
Todo lo ocupas tú, todo lo ocupas.

Voy haciendo de todas un collar infinito
para tus blancas manos, suaves como las uvas.

2010-09-29T15:03:00.000-04:00

i wish that this was just a nightmare that i will wake up from very, very soon.

2010-09-03T01:00:00.001-04:00

It's been a few weeks since I last wrote here, and a few months since I had a long, extended post that I didn't delete. Hoo hum.

Things that have happened - I went to San Diego for a terrific weekend, I got hired as a research assistant at the National Center for Smart Growth Research and Education (yipee!), finally moved into my house, and school started.

Actually, I'm too sick to write a serious post. Toodles!

2010-04-19T01:21:00.006-04:00

I'm usually not one for the Bible, but since quoting it was helping Michelle today -

Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed—not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence—continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose.
Philippians 2:12-13

For some reason, I actually have complete and absolute faith in the fact that there is some higher power up there directing us, whether for a good/bad purpose.

2010-04-12T15:04:00.002-04:00

Shenanigan city central is so not cool. Ridiculousness levels...turbo-charged?

Spring Break 2010 Goals

2010-03-16T01:24:00.000-04:00

[x] Finish internship applications.
[ ] Catch up on schoolwork.
[ ] Make mochi.
[ ] Learn taichi.
[ ] Finish How I Met Your Mother Season 2.

2010-02-14T01:29:00.000-05:00

Here's to the start of the real new year :] (Because if you stay up all night, the lunar new year probably matters more. And if you're a wolf. Aroooooooooo.) Clean slate me.

2010-02-08T03:44:00.001-05:00

I am mentally and physically exhausted. I could be emotionally, but I feel like I'm just sitting on that because I'm far too tired to deal with it right now, because the last few days have been a steamroller.

2010-01-28T00:32:00.004-05:00

Beggars can't be choosers. And if you're asking me to buy you stuff, don't be picky if it's stuff that's supposed to be on loan to you. Even more annoying, maybe you could pay me back. And if you're going to really, really drive me insane, keep on asking me for supplies/help/etc, all the while, without even trying to be a friend. Just because you want to "hang out" doesn't necessarily make you a friend, and sending a query out once every two weeks or month or so to "hang out" in the nebulous sense of the term really doesn't even count was wanting to chill.

A "real friend" is someone who's supposed to stay and help whenever the rest of the world won't - but you can't be a real friend to everyone, and I'm okay with a mutually-beneficial-let's-use-each-other-quasi-friendship. It's really, really, annoying when that only goes one way, from me to you, for an extended period of time. I don't mind helping you, but I do have an issue with feeling used and then getting yelled at for "not wanting to hang out," when you know you're annoying me. Stop quoting your precious Bible and wake up to reality, God helps those who help themselves, and all you do is whine and wait for other people to help you.

2010-01-22T19:45:00.005-05:00

'Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?'
'That depends a good deal on where you want to get to,' said the Cat.
'I don't much care where —' said Alice.
'Then it doesn't matter which way you go,' said the Cat.

2010-01-14T23:56:00.003-05:00

I don't know why I like snowboarding so much, but I really do.

2010-01-06T01:55:00.006-05:00

2009, not quite my year, not quite not my year either. Here's to to 2010, may it better than last year...and well, maybe I'll re-find that zest that I've been missing for awhile. I have a feeling I will though, because somehow...this just feels like a good year, unlike the past few :3.

2009-12-23T00:50:00.002-05:00

I talk like I type, not the other way around. That's a problem.

2009-12-20T13:45:00.003-05:00

Wuh woah. At least I haven't done anything remarkably epic in the past 3 years 'til now.

2009-12-17T19:27:00.020-05:00

I'm reading old people's blog posts, and all I can say is some of my friends were clearly more mentally developed than me a few years ago. And some weren't, so no worries.

But some of the things that were written, by me, or by them, whether it be a year or years back - they're still the same. I still overgeneralize and I have such a flawed viewpoint on the world that I'm trying to change. Maybe some people learned earlier that friendships and relationships aren't the simple things that the dictionary defines them as. I didn't then, and I'm still figuring it out now. But well, they can be frustratingly uncomplicated too. And also, that the world's a beautifully fragile place that you don't notice sitting in the great indoors...but hey, better figure this out now rather than later.

2009-12-03T02:37:00.005-05:00

It's been 4 months, and I'm finally realizing that now, somewhere in the past month, I've become happy. Very, very happy.

2009-11-25T17:58:00.006-05:00

I know what I want to do in my life, and I'm sure as hell it's not architecture. Goodbye, 3 years of convincing myself. Whoops. Maybe I should listen to myself next time.

2009-09-28T14:09:00.002-04:00

I perceive things as wider than they actually are. (As found out from me drawing fonts all...day...) Symptom of being female? Olol.

2009-09-15T11:22:00.008-04:00

Some days, people, the world, and everything are just a faint, quiet nightmare running looped in the background.

2009-09-04T10:32:00.004-04:00

It is freezing cold in my room.

I miss summer.

This is a different kind of quiet that's kinda unsettling.

I have homework due in an hour.

Hello.

2009-08-26T15:02:00.003-04:00

Everytime I look at my facebook, I'm still slightly confused by my last name. I think its just that I just don't think of myself using said last name or if I do, it's in Chinese and yeaaah, sometimes I just don't recognize it in English. Oops. Or maybe its looking at a word like weird and thinking that it looks weird. Who knows.

gake no ue no ponyo, and other thoughts

2009-08-16T12:11:00.013-04:00

Ponyo on a Cliff by the Sea was an interesting movie. I really, really couldn't like Ponyo as a character, because she was just exasperating for a lack of a better descriptor. I loved Sen/Chihiro in Spirited Away because she was still aware of what she was doing, even though she was a child, and Ponyo seemed more like a spoilt brat that just got everything she wanted because she was the daughter of the sea king and had magic. And she just ...I don't know, I think I wanted her to have the self-same awareness and still honest awe/admiration at the upper non-sea world, and she didn't. But....she was still charming anyways : like, she just crashed her way into Sosuke's world / heart and....was just undeniably strong-willed and well, while she's a spoilt brat, there was always a little of said spoiled brat in all of us. I think. Or at least, maybe just me. And while she's not drowned in awe for the world around us, she's earnest in how she is, without pretensions, and it's kind of endearing. So it was still an enjoyable hour anyways, but I don't really think it was a movie needed to be seen in theaters. Possibly still a movie to be seen, though.

On other notes, I miss reading legit literature. Someone was getting Octavian Nothing for some reason or another (which I had been planning on reading for a long, long time) and the first line of that - "I was raised in a gaunt house with a garden; my earliest recollections are of floating lights in the apple trees." is just pretty. Its writing as if words that are more than just words, infused with a meaning other than for plot and to further the reader along, with at least some thought to what they sound like together - almost lyrical, maybe. Or Of Mice and Men - I picked it up when it was just sitting on the table and didn't want to put it down after just the first paragraph - mainly for the image of the water of the Salinas River, and how it "slipped twinkling over the yellow sands in the sunlight before reaching the narrow pool." Maybe I really haven't been reading much writing these days - then again, I'm still in in my escapism books, the ones that construct words as just plot-delivery devices and not much else. Well, no, Jacqueline Carey still writes pretty darn well. But it's either escapist fantasy om nom or non-fiction up the wazoo or looking at gardens and architectural lighting. Which is dumb, but well, I don't think I'm quite perfectly ready yet to smash my brain silly with lingustic literary gloriousness, I think. Not quite back to that level of smart or critical thinking or patience, even really (which I never had, but then again, a few years back I was still okay with being pretentious to read and ..well, I'd still enjoy the books, but now I'm not, and I'd rather wait until I'm okay devouring those books. In the mean-time, non-fiction to edumacate my brain! And which I still find completely interesting without trying to posture myself as smrt smrt, so it's not like I'm completely off on the deep end of bad scifi and chick lit...)

And oh man, architectural lighting. I love good architecture and elegant design....but architectural lighting...mmm, how to describe it. It's not something that you need for a good building, but it can change a mediocre room into a place you'd want to spend forever and a nap at. It's just a pet love of mine - I guess some things never change, and well, lighting design done right still is one of the most awe-inspiring things ever. (e.g. SPRING AWAKENING'S LIGHTING) And as does the fact that the jingle ponyo, ponyo, ponyo, ponyo by the sea is still stuck in my mind.

2009-08-14T10:42:00.000-04:00

I'm starting to care, and I'm not sure if that's a good thing.

the wishlist

2009-07-26T09:05:00.008-04:00

1. Etsy: birdzNbeez - Pearly Lunar Eclipse Necklace
2. Kamik : Willow Rain Boots in Pink
3. Seyechelles : Get Out of Town Sandals
4. Etsy : 1ofmykind - Born to Fly Necklace

5. Etsy : liliswan - Orleans Calla Lilly Earrings

----
1. iPod Nano
2. Amazon Kindle
3. Digital SLR - Canon EOS Rebel XTi, Nikon D50
----
1. Team Fortress 2
2. AoE + AoE II
3. Scribblenauts
3. Starcraft II

----

gotten: silence + noise colorblock ponte dress, fossil wallet, selina vaughan yvette bag, mac dazzleglass in money honey

book list to read

2009-07-18T20:33:00.011-04:00

alphabetical by author last name, strikeout has been read.

-a----------------------------------------------------------------------
abé, shana
:: ~~the smoke thief~~
adams, douglas
:: ~~the hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy~~
:: the restaurant at the end of the universe
:: so long and thanks for all the fish
adams, richard
:: watership down

ahamed, liaquet

:: lords of finance : the bankers who broke the world
albom, mitch
:: ~~the five people you meet in heaven~~
alexander, alma
:: ~~changer of days~~
allen, sarah addison
:: the sugar queen
aquinas, thomas
:: summa theologica
aristotle
:: ethics
-b----------------------------------------------------------------------
bardi, jason
:: the calculus wars
boorstin, daniel
:: the creators
:: the discoverers

brook, timothy

:: ~~vermeer's hat~~

buck, pearl s.
:: the good earth
butcher, jim
:: the furies of calderon
-c----------------------------------------------------------------------
camus, albert
:: l'etranger
carey, jacqueline
:: ~~kushiel's mercy~~
:: ~~naamah's kiss~~
carroll, lewis
:: ~~alice in wonderland~~
:: ~~through the looking glass~~
chaucer, geoffrey

:: the canterbury tales
colbert, stephen

:: i am america! and so can you
cowley, robert

:: what if

crawford, matthew

:: shop class as soulcraft
-d----------------------------------------------------------------------
dante

:: the inferno
defoe, daniel

:: robinson crusoe

de tocqueville, alexis

:: democracy in america
diamond, jared
* ~~collapse~~
* ~~guns, germs, and steel~~
dillard, annie
:: pilgrim at tinker creek

* ~~the maytrees~~

dostoevsky, fyodor

:: the brothers karamazov

:: crime and punishment
-e----------------------------------------------------------------------
erasmus

:: the praise of folly
-f----------------------------------------------------------------------
feynman, richard
:: surely you're joking, mr. feynman!
follet, ken
:: the pillars of the earth
friedman, thomas

:: longitudes and attitudes

:: the lexus and the olive tree

:: the world is flat

-g----------------------------------------------------------------------
giffin, emily

:: love the one you're with
gilbert, elizabeth
* ~~eat, pray, love~~

gilman, susan jane

:: undress me in the temple of heaven
gladwell, malcolm

* ~~blink~~

:: ~~outliers~~

::~~the tipping point~~

gruen, sara
:: water for elephants
-h----------------------------------------------------------------------
hall, peter

:: cities in civilization : culture technology and urban order

:: sociable cities

:: the world's cities

harding, paul

:: tinkers
hemingway, ernest
:: for whom the bell tolls
:: the old man and the sea
hobbes, thomas

:: the leviathan
hofstadter, douglas
:: i am a strange loop

:: godel, escher, bach

hosseini, khaled
:: a thousand splendid suns

* ~~the kite runner~~

hume, david

:: a treatise of human nature

:: enquiries

:: the natural history of human religion
huxley, aldous
:: brave new world
-i----------------------------------------------------------------------
-j----------------------------------------------------------------------
jordan, robert

:: the wheel of time and etc
joyce, james

:: dubliners

:: ulysses
-k----------------------------------------------------------------------
kafka, franz

:: the metamorphosis
kant, immanuel

:: critique of pure reason
kunstler, james howard

:: the geography of nowhere

:: the long emergency
-l----------------------------------------------------------------------
lackey, mercedes
:: ~~the snow queen~~

landes, david

:: the wealth and poverty of nations

lewis, c.s.

:: the screwtape letters
levitt, steven

* ~~freakonomics~~

li, yiyun

:: the vagrants
-m----------------------------------------------------------------------

maitland, sara

:: a book of silence

martel, yann

:: life of pi

mieville, china

:: the city and the city
mccann, colum

:: let the great world spin

meyer, stephanie
x twilight
moliére

:: the misanthrope
moore, alan ( + dave gibbons)

:: watchmen
mortenson, greg
* ~~three cups of tea~~

mun, nami

:: miles from nowhere
-n----------------------------------------------------------------------

nabokov, vladimi

:: lolita

nafisi, azar

:: reading lolita in tehran
nwaubani, adaobi tricia

:: i do not come to you by chance
-o----------------------------------------------------------------------
-p----------------------------------------------------------------------
paolini, christopher

:: brisingr
pierce, tamora
:: bloodhound

:: elkhound

:: melting stones
pratchett, terry (+ neil gaiman)
* ~~good omens~~
-q----------------------------------------------------------------------
-r----------------------------------------------------------------------
rand, ayn

:: atlas shrugged

:: the fountainhead

rousseau, jean-jacques

:: emile, or on education

:: the social contract
rowling, j.k.

:: tales of beedle the bard

ruhlman, michael

:: ratio
russell, bertrand

:: principia mathematica

:: history of western philosophy
-s----------------------------------------------------------------------
santayana, george

:: the life of reason

sayrafiezadeh, said

:: when skateboards will be free

schlosser, eric

:: fast food nation

shell, ellen ruppel

:: cheap: the high cost of discount culture

sheff, david
:: beautiful boy

smith, adam

:: the wealth of nations

snicket, lemony

:: a series of unfortunate events
snyder, maria

:: ~~poison study~~

:: ~~magic study~~

:: ~~fire study~~
spinoza, baruch

:: ethics
steinback, john

:: east of eden

:: of mice and men
stiglitz, joseph
:: making globalization work
stoppard, tom

:: ~~rosencrantz + guildenstern are dead~~
swift, jonathon

:: gulliver's travels
-t----------------------------------------------------------------------
tagore, rabindranath

:: gitanjali (song offerings)
thoreau, henry david

:: walden
tolkien, j.r.r.

:: the children of hurin

:: the simarillion

tzu, sun

:: the art of war
-u----------------------------------------------------------------------
-v----------------------------------------------------------------------

vanderbilt, eric

:: traffic : why we drive the way we do (and what it says about us)
voltaire

:: candide
-w----------------------------------------------------------------------
walcott, derek

:: midsummer
weisman, alan

:: the world without us
-x----------------------------------------------------------------------
-y----------------------------------------------------------------------
-z----------------------------------------------------------------------
zelazny, roger
:: ~~the amber series~~
zukav, gary

:: the dancing wu-li masters
-unknown-------------------------------------------------------------

:: the arabian nights

:: the tale of genji

:: the bible

:: the qu'ran

from VO1, moonshine

2009-07-16T16:59:00.002-04:00

The fire threw orange light across his pale hair. “It seems like everyone wishes to be loved. They just don’t know how to obtain it.”

“No, no.” She shook her head. “It’s not something you catch and hold on to. That’s not the way it works. What should happen is, you give love, and not just to who you think should receive it, but anyone, because everyone deserves it, and then you wait—it will come back to you. It may not come back from the person you want it to, but it will and does come back. You just have to accept that it may not be expected.” Her eyes were glittering. “I wish people would understand that. They would be so happy.”

------------

More people need to learn to keep that in mind.

2009-06-30T02:28:00.002-04:00

ICanDWI.

2009-06-17T12:20:00.006-04:00

One of the things I always wondered was about colors. If all of us saw colors differently, but got taught that a particular hue was blue : what if someone's blue was actually red? We'd never be able to describe it because there's no way for us to, right? Brings to mind - "A Chinaman of the T'ang Dynasty - and, by which definition, a philosopher - dreamed he was a butterfly, and from that moment he was never quite sure that he was not a butterfly dreaming it was a Chinese philosopher. Envy him; in his two-fold security." Yeah, re-reading Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead.

Gotta love talking about language and semantic domains. Thinking about the cognitive effects of language is always interesting though. It's kind of interesting the effect language can have: like when you don't need colors beyond brown/green and then you just don't recognize past them because your original environment doesn't have things that exuberantly colorful in it - supposedly there's some Micronesian island that has a population like that. And since we're coming into the world with preconceived notions, if we don't know what's outside of them : can we actually change how we think if we have no words to describe that feeling or idea? I dunno, maybe it'd be interesting to see if multilinguals think differently cognitively in brain scans versus people who only know one language, because their languages allow them to think about certain concepts in multi-layered ways rather than just a single approach?

25 things, a more "i like food" version

2009-06-08T02:34:00.001-04:00

1. I like dark chocolate far more than milk chocolate and definitely way more than white chocolate.
2. Green tea, however, is far more mmm-inducing than coffee.
3. Mango juice at Teaism is something I may drool for.
4. Along with their salmon ochazuke.
5. And in terms of fast Japanese food, I really love sushi.
6. And onigiri. Especially Taiwanese convenience store onigiri. MMmmm.
7. Din Tai Fung makes the best fucking xiaolongbao ever. If they're worth waiting for an hour in sweltering Taipei summer heat, they're pretty fucking good.
8. I have yet to eat a xiaolongbao that matches the gloriousness, and I don't think I ever will until I trek back to Asia.
9. However, there are some pretty good shen jian bao here. Kam Sam / Maxim make pretty delicious ones.
10. However, Mona's granma also makes delightful ones. And Mona's mom makes the most delicious spaghetti in the world ever.
11. I wish I could cook. I make passable (actually decently tasty) food, considering I've cooked a grand total of like, 2 times. Like, legit-cooked. Not eggs, noodles, etc. But it's not delectable, and it should be
12. I wish I could bake better? It's pretty decent, although I need to expand beyond the realm of things involving chocolate chips. Chocolate chip cupcakes, chocolate chip cookies, chocolate chip..mmm...next: gingerbread cookies?
13. Baking things for other people makes me happy. And relaxed.
14. Green tea mochi...oh my god. I'm in love.
15. Jasmine milk bubble tea from that little store by my aunt/uncle's house on the route back from Yongan Market Station - I don't think I've ever had that good bubble tea anywhere. Minus the black milk tea at TASA nightmarket.
16. I like alternating sweet/salty flavors, which is horrible for my digestion. But amps up the flavors like mad.
17. Did I mention I love mangoes? Fresh, perfectly ripe mangoes. Ugggggghhhhhhh so delicious.
18. I want to eat my way around all the restaurants in the world that are cheap and good.
19. And possibly the ones that are expensive, too.
20. I was pretty into Chipotle for a while, and I still am : I think it's just cuz they dump a hodgepodge of flavors in and its just delicious. A burrito bowl with tortilla chips as the utensil is pretty fattening. And way too good.
21. If I'm by myself, I usually have to be reading about food when I'm eating food. I usually have the restaurant review or Food section of the Post open when that happens.
22. And if I've re-read those too much over that week, the newspaper suffices.
23. Actually, reading + food goes together for me. Probably why I'm so out-of-touch with newspaper-ness these days.
24. Speaking of which, I never ate paper once. I was a normal kid.
25. One of the things that REALLY annoys me is if I've repeatedly said I hate ____ food and people forget about it. Which is generally only my parents. Or maybe I'm just annoyed when my parents do it. Because I'm eating a pretty nasty salad with raw cherry tomatoes and celery and broccoli in it and it's making me bleh. But I am drinking mango juice, which makes it all better. Maybe I'll finish off with an Oreo.

Man, I love procrastinating.

2009-05-31T18:02:00.000-04:00

I missed the sound of bells ringing when I was at home.

TVshows? What?

2009-05-22T02:03:00.000-04:00

1. Glee is so good. I may have a new fave TV show come fall.
2. But SYTYCD is gonna have a fall season!!!!
3. Even though this season already looks so much more amazing-er than last season.
4. ABDC is also creeping up into the awesome list.
5. I still need to catch up on Lost/Gossip Girl.
6. But I'm probably gonna watch ABDC before that happens.
7. And lots and lots of dramas.

Here's to the summer of TV.

2009-05-14T16:51:00.001-04:00

Sarah: "I want to go back to being able to believe in the fairytale, but I can't."

2009-04-20T15:52:00.000-04:00

There are few things I hate more in the world than being told I can't "think" a certain way. Or talked down to and being told exactly what I can't and can do, just because. Just because your point of view is more legitimate than mine? Really? I don't think so.

Well, in response: fuck you very much. No.

2009-04-18T04:29:00.000-04:00

Because sometimes, what you realize is what you want, and what you wish for, really isn't what you need. And all it needs is a little bit of time and then you're okay.

Well, it still sucks during that period of time. But it's better now.

this is the sound of settling

2009-04-12T18:19:00.002-04:00

1 Corinthians 13 has been something that's been on my mind for a while, even though I'm not Christian. (Mainly because of that day I couldn't sleep and went off to find meditation things-to-do and stumbled across the idea of mettā : which, incidentally, has been recited at me, but i've just never known the term) - and it's something that fits so well with mettā.

But meditating on mettā and 1 Corinthians 13 used to bring completely different feelings, and I think it's because the word love is imbued with so much romantic meaning in the English language, and "loving-kindness" doesn't bring across the same feeling. But now love and loving-kindness are kind of the same, when I think on it ...and I don't know, something's complete in me, like that odd emptiness is just gone now. It's..airy, if anything. The same feeling of emptiness, but it feels more like freedom than anything else.

But it's not something I want to mention to people, as ...it's just a private thing, or well, as it should be. But I still want to say something, and I don't really know who I can talk to about this, other than typing away here, but well, it felt good writing this.

I think the one thing I love most in life is to make others happy or smile or calm. And the more thinking I do in my oasis of fail, the more I figure I'm supposed to make people happy, not wait around for some divine intervention to make my own life happy. But I am honestly very, very content with most of my life at the moment, and...so while there's always something more to want...I'll just wait.

Mojo makes me happy.

2009-04-07T02:29:00.000-04:00

I finally hass albums that I've been looking for for....forever! e.g. Guster, Wilco, Animal Liberation Orchestra, Ben Folds (Five)...and well, over the past month or two, there's been 2 GB of downloads via Mojo + iTunes, and there's still gonna be more. Oh music, you make my day happy.

2009-03-28T16:14:00.000-04:00

I write, I write, and I write, and all the ink does is awry.

Heads or Tails?

2009-03-15T22:41:00.000-04:00

I've figured out the way to solve most of my problems! Simplify problems down to yes - no. Then flip a coin, one side'll be yes, one side'll be no. So then, if you realize you don't like the result, you just change your mind and go with the other one. And if not, you just let it be. I guess it works because it just cuts the pondering time and forces you to think. Because really, for some things like Chipotle? or Sushi? ...do you REALLY need to ponder for 10 minutes over it? No. Unless you're really hungry. But then, why not just get both.

Of course people find it completely hilarious because I end up picking the option that the coin didn't land on like 50% of the time, and then they ask why I even bother. :)

How I Know Something's Up

2009-03-01T00:01:00.000-05:00

1. I keep organizing my room.
2. It falls into disarray by night. I usually can keep it clean for half a week-a week / until next cleaning day.
3. I keep eating. Even if I'm hungry. It's as if my stomach's turned insatiable.
4. I keep wanting to run.
5. Running doesn't calm my nerves. And it usually does.

2009-02-07T02:36:00.000-05:00

give me space so i can breathe, give me space so i can sleep...