i think it is as it is
sometimes i still know that i'm not ready for what this is asking for but sometimes its just nice 

in the end of the day, sometimes i still wish i had more time and space, even though i made my choice already and i'm happy with it. just a longer time to appreciate solitude, even though then i was lonely back then - but those moments of lonely were also contrasted with moments of joy where i knew me again, rather than me-as-a-part-of-something-else-and-yet-me, and i wasnt running towards cuddles or kisses or anything yet, although i was past shying away from them and i guess slothing my way over towards it

i think though, it's the e/i part where my introversion is coming out in full force after this weekend and i just want to roll up into a ball and be by myself for a day or two, combined with people and back to school and like meeting people in california and atlantic city, and its more of a long-distance thing rather than a him thing (also because i was in stress cleaning mode yesterday).

and perhaps, perhaps....so many things, perhaps. one thing though,  i do miss waking up to him rather than alarm and "DASFWEOKOHgawdimlate".