life is on track, for once (and perhaps dreams do come true, but we shall see)

getting interviews for my two dream transportation companies is exciting, but waiting for hiring mangers to get back to me is a little less so - hopefully it'll be good, and i'll end up working in california for the summer (and i guess, for the rest of my life...a little unsettling to think about.)

i might be getting published before i graduate! depending on if the paper gets accepted, but i'm co-authoring on the paper and i just started working, which is insanely exciting. it's probably because i'm doing a lot of the spatial data handling that my phd student doesn't actually know how to do or hasn't figured out how to do yet -.- but i'm not complaining. i'm actually like..pretty excited over this,  and i guess she already has a lot of the literature reviewed because its' working off of her previous stuff. ( i think this is honestly what i'm most excited about, being able to contribute a grain of sand into the sandbox that is research lol) (but it's a permanent grain of sand!!!)

 it's also on a subject which has come up in classes before for me, and was pretty much what i thought for a new model for urban development so yay ^0^ it's also interesting realizing that i'm actually like...contributing to the research? and that my ideas are valid, and that my technical knowledge is valid, even as an undergraduate student and lol i dont know, i love the subject, and i'm happy knowing that i like...it just makes me happy. bahaha. i heart transportation.

i have my grad school recs lined up, my grades are ...hopefully okay, i need to scrape out some a's, but in all honesty, berkeley is the goal, but i'll be happy getting / going to irvine. i've heard this a lot from people who were mentoring me while i worked - there are plenty of good/great engineers with awful grades, and i think i'm going to fall into the "awful grades but still decent" category, although in my specialty i'm at least passing with flying colors...barely.

but these are all things that are tentative, and not yet set, so we shall see. 

i'm happy with my life being quiet and my relationships being what they are, with family, friends, and boy. i think the part that took the most strugglebussing acceptance was family - but like, learning that my mom is my mom and silly, and stupid, and everything, and honestly kind of selfish, but...she still loves me (and gets super excited when i come home) and my dad, although more biased, is also more open to changing his views, (so his love is more easy to understand, even if its not as unconditional as my mom's) is still a learning process, and i think it always will be. i have my three best friends, and i think this year has just cemented that though we're far away, (la/chi/nyc) there's no replacement for them and hopefully we'll still manage to keep in touch (although we do well anyways on that regard, surprisingly)...and they always know the right thing to say. or do. and in things that matter the most, they don't judge.)

and the boy is...just him. it's interesting being in a healthy relationship, but it's happy. i used to measure my happiness by how well they lifted me out of being sad, but nowadays i don't have that metric, because i'm not that sad at all anymore. just happy, so much happy. it's not the storm of intensity, but it's like just ...that step outside into the fall with the leaves ablaze in glory and perfect crisp air, or still summer nights with stars twinkling and honeysuckle and fireflies and a wisp of humidity, or spring flowers (without the allergies) and brightness and the first breath of life after winter, or winter snows - just natural, and perfect in its own way.

it's a weird feeling, but i'm okay with this.

i feel like there's a cloud that's been lifted from me, for the sad, and i'm not sure what it was before. recognizing that it was probably a mix of toxic relationships/people paired with minor depression that was probably triggered by anxiety attacks from not sleeping/caffeine/sugar overdoing/withdrawal for a couple years might be it, although i know the latter two definitely run in my family (even if they don't recognize it) just from how they act.

i'm glad to be where i am, but i still have a long way to go to where i want to be. hopefully all these paths that are getting laid down end up helping me to where i want to be.

happiness, the highest form of wisdom.