I've spent the most time outdoors, and well, in general, just away from my computer than I have in years. For a variety of reasons - walking to Caltrain in the morning, and from work to Diridon in the afternoon. Sitting outside just because (whether it be in the coolest office space ever - I am so jealous of designers' lives or for happy hour because there are bars with couches and tables outside to recline with and the air doesn't melt humidity onto skin) or..just because. I don't know if raving outside for 3 days straight counts, but maybe it  does? California weather is wonderful.

Surprisingly I haven't quit wushu even though I swore I would, and I think it's just because Studio Kicks / CY is kinda the environment where it's okay to not want to compete, and it's just what you want to make of it, with no real responsibilities or attachments. And it helps the people there are more grounded and don't spend the majority of their life on wushu or thinking about it. Not to say that they don't like talking about it or don't think about it  (when you're 30 and still doing wushu, of course you still love it and it comes up a lot), but it's nice being around a set of people with diverse interests and (well, as diverse as you can be in tech, but all different aspects of it). Or just because CY is hella trolly.I dunno, I stopped caring about being good, and instead I'm just doing? being? And for some reason, it's a lot better in my mind now.

I miss dancing because Tuesdays seem to be the days I'm always busiest - and I love Amber's song choices, if not always his choreo, but there'll be a time again, especially if I have a car. Although it's amusing that I like his Tuesday classes and can't stand his kpop choices, where its flipped for James.

And work - I begin to understand the concept that if you're not the worst at where you are, and you've become the best, then it's time to leave. In three months I've learned so much and done so much and still barely scratched the surface of what to do. I thought I knew what industry was like, but then again, I've only worked in public agencies and it's just so different. I don't think I'm a particularly good engineer because I know don't think like an engineer, but I'm still at least average, and I'm not sure I'm a good planner because I can think engineer-y when my thoughts are prodded that way, but somehow the combination together is really good for transportation planning/engineering. I know this, I know that I'm already actually fairly good at what I'm doing, but my head feels like the fuzzy haze where I don't understand something yet, but if I keep on working at it, I will.

Plangineering. I don't think I'm destined for a long career in consulting, because...I think I know I can be good at what I do here and now, but I want to make good transit and real pricing for transportation infrastructure a reality, and you're just limited as a consultant. To quietly move a progressive agenda requires being in government, and maybe, one day I'll have the patience and the foresight to be a capable administrator. I still can't understand why people don't understand that raising the gas tax is necessary to maintain our roads, and I don't think anyone will let me put up congestion pricing or a VMT tax without decades of fighting, but I think we need it.  Because we do, and the insolvency of the highway trust fund now only heightens the need.

One day, I hope my dreams and my feeling of obligation to the world won't break my happiness, but its too early to know that now.

I miss my family in some ways, but I think somewhere last year, I learned to love my parents as the people they were, fickle, stupid, earnest, laughing, inept, loving, with all of their flaws and all of their strengths, and now I understand a lot more, and I'm grateful that for 24 years, they've guided me, and raised me, and loved me, even though I couldn't comprehend or understand that love until now (and even then, I don't think I'll ever understand the love they've given me until I have children of my own.) Chinese parents are notoriously tough-loving, and family is loyalty, not love, but...at the same time, it's love, just in a different shape and form, and I think while when I was younger, I thought it was unhealthy, now I realize kind of, how it shaped me. And that meddling, fixing, tweaking, trying to smooth over the rough patches in the past years since I've been aware they were existed - all of them so frustrating - but at the same time, I can sit here writing, thinking, it's...worth it, to see my mom laugh, even if I'll never really understand her and she'll never really understand me, and  I only really get my dad, because I know deep down inside, she's the one that loves me unconditionally, and my dad loves me because I've grown and become someone he can talk to (well yes, as a parent too), but there's nuances in their expressions of emotions, and how they view.

I'm happy, and I think...I was worried about California, but now that I'm here, with a tentative job offer based on workload in November, and the foundation of new life, I'm happy. I'm actually really, really happy for the first time since I can remember (I don't know if I've ever remembered a time where I was actually happy, since elementary school), because I've started achieving almost everything I want in the world. More accurately, I've gotten my foot in the door with everything, and now it's just grinding, and more grinding, for the next what, 60-70 something years? It'll be a good life's work.

I suppose I should mention love, but at the same time, I live in it and sleep in it, and it's just real. I don't know what else to say, because it's strange - I don't feel the same yearning and grasping and that edge/thrill of love that I had with the others, but perhaps it's because I knew I didn't have their love and was trying so hard to get it, and now, this just feels right. I don't need to rearrange all the pieces, it just is, and we just are, and I don't know if something ever happened and we weren't together, if anyone else could do the same. It's not that I couldn't want anyone else, that part is easy, but no one else has ever managed to bring structure to my life and have a good time at the same time. And buy me sushi. And I can make them laugh with the silliest things and actually share the same interests and do the things and much yes. Is this true love? I don't know, maybe not in the Cinderella-fairy-tale-sense. Maybe its just real love.

Sometimes I wonder if this is all ephemeral, if warming climates, disease, old age, life, and everything that comes with it will twist these precious few calm, happy, lovely years back into the chaos in my thoughts and head I'm used to and into dystopia. At the same time, I think I've learned a measure of grace to keep it all in order, so even if so, it won't be like before again.

I don't know who or what is up there, but if there is something up there, thank you for all the gifts You have given me, I'm not sure I'll ever be worthy but I'm grateful, and I hope that this time can last as long as its good to last.