Things I've Realized From This Month

1) Job searching is fucking hard.
2) You can't lose your sense of self when you're stressed and bogged down by things you have to do. Otherwise (at least for me) it's really easy to sink into depression.
- * Depression sucks. It's also surprisingly hard to get out of, but the most random things startle it away.
3) You also can't lose your sense of self/what to do when something annoys you.
4) The conflicts between what you've grown up with and what you've always thought versus what is good in reality are a lot easier to deal with when you're younger (you just learn) versus in your twenties, (where you have to change).
5) No matter what, taking a step back and looking at the whole picture always reminds me that life is pretty good either way.

Changing isn't taking a grand journey to lose 15 pounds (on it), get more organized (also on it), or get to a destination - it's about integrating these thinigs normally into your life, which I'm not good (yet) at doing.Maybe I never will be, but that shouldn't be a reason not to try. I've managed to learn how to swim, be an engineer, and get to gold, all things I thought would be a serious struggle to do - and one step at a time has always worked in those cases, so maybe I'm starting to change from the chaotic self (maybe I already have?).

Also - things I've realized from ranked solo queue (or duo), also from this month:

1) Stop blaming people for things not working out. If you wanted it to work out, either you need to be better and completely carry the thing, or realize that it's not workable in the first place. Either be a boss or just leave early once you recognize it. Both are more efficient than trying to carry something that clearly will not work/win.
2) Which leads into - there is always something basic you can work on to improve your skills in league, life or everything else. There's never anything perfect, but fundamentals are key. (AKA the difference between piling everything on the ground, and folding up an extra shirt each day.)
3) Some people are dicks. They just are. Mute them. (This works less well in real life, but imagining duct tape taped over their mouths and playing Fruit Ninja or 2048 while they talk works equally well. Well until they get annoyed at you. Then having your phone out might have been a bad idea.)
4) Sometimes you just need to put the work in. You might think you're at a level, but up until you reach it, it actually doesn't matter, because you have nothing to show for it. That doesn't give you an excuse to not do the work if you think you're already there, you want verifiable results. Because when you get there, it feels good, because in some ways, our recognition of ourselves is mirrored by other people's recognition and quantifiable statistics.
5) Hard work sometimes pays off. Teamwork sometimes pays off. Covering your own ass while getting work done always pays off. It also helps to have someone carrying your ass all the time, but they can't always take care of you.

Life is hard man.