don't blame me if i don't come through
i've spent a lifetime on this
thought i would give it all to you
cause i know what you do is out of fashion
but it only makes it harder for me
and i know that you’re scared of the notion
we'll become who we're meant to be
oh how, i remember being
we'll become who we meant to be
we'll become who we meant because i know
we'll become who we meant to be
---
Somedays I dream. Once upon a time, there was-
Those days are bad days, in reality. Messing up at work and letting go of it is hard for me, because for so long I've just not been good enough, and I just want to be. There's so many things I want to fix, but nearest and dearest to my heart is high speed rail and congestion pricing, and how will I ever do those if I can't even get a basic pedestrian model running?
How do I have the heart to convince angry childish middle-aged asshats to put aside all of their stupidity, and look at what's needed? To teach people to evaluate not just the surface, but all the myriad layers chained together that are implied, through actions and through words? I wanted to slap that woman silly, because who was she to judge how expensive the MTA is and how shitty the service is from a NYT article? But that's the thing right - I've gone through life expecting people to be understanding, and brilliant, and wonderful - and people are not. That doesn't mean they're shit, its just life seems to be shit, and so people react to it that way.
I think perhaps, we need to reintroduce civility into our society - to teach people patience, to not let people snap - but how can I when my reaction is to just want to call the woman three kinds of stupid and then tell her? Why do I need to make character assassinations on someone who really doesn't know better?
Because its human nature, and at the same time, we're born to be more than that, are we not?
Somedays I hurt. I thought -
The joys of assumptions. That your young age will last forever ( and that you won't gain literally 30 pounds.) That not doing physical activity won't hurt. (And instead, gives you the freaking most painful back pain that you've ever had). That you can take an exam without failing. (Eh well its in 7 hours and I'm still only 50% ready so let's see how that goes.) That love, once promised, will not fade. (Ha. So much ha. ) That people, once you get to know them, will stay interesting, stay friends, and not be bitter that you don't mold to their opinions, dreams, wishes, and let you be you (without any interference from what they want) - but that ties into the last one, doesn't it? That so many people just want things from other people, yet they don't know how to give in return.
That you know everything, and anything, about all this and all that - and then something comes that just changes how you look at things. Again. Repeatedly. Until you realize that you will never stop setting goals for yourself, that you always have to keep pushing, in everything you do, because the joy is not always the end goal, its in continuously trying to surpass them - until you do, and then there's always something else to reach.
Somedays I live.
Bright lights and glitter and sweat and so, so much drug use around me was never something I thought I'd love. An unexpected compliment at dance from someone really good, only adding to my motivation to become what I think I can be. Patience from someone who loves you so rationally yet irrationally at the same time, and who promises his limits, rather than stretches them to snapping. Remembering incandescience (har, the science of incandescence) and believing again, while still not whole (and still hurting and isolated and bitter).
I never knew what brightness and lightness and an unburdened heart to feel like until now, and the days I unbreak and reach and reshatter and fix and shine mark like constellations through my emotions. Perhaps since, since there's something beautiful there if you choose to look and see, perhaps someday, the closest star to your heart might be able to light your way to a day that -
Feeling so tenuously balanced, continuously tugged between insanity/sanity-dreams/reality-fear/hope-sadness/happiness - learning to control the flows of your life and spin them into clear knots of achievements and always, always stay moving - ah, there's some work yet to be done.
And then there's reallifethings.
I think - I walk away, now from getting into one of the best transportation programs in the nation (at the same time, that #3 is still a lot less than #1/#2, unless you're in the South) to chase after my own dreams of Pacific sunshine and dance, and knowing that even with incomplete apps that they'd still take me, both of them, with full fellowships - that, in some ways, validates the two and a half years I waited more than finding a job. Am I making a mistake? Possibly. But I think there are things I need to do in life outside of transportation, and if I want to be as clean and sharp and snappy as I think I can be in motion, there's not that much time left to do so.
{i just want to think with my heart and not my head, and it feels so, so right the choice i'll make, because sometimes you're allowed to think for your heart, not balance what it wants against what your head knows, because sometimes, your head loves the one who has your heart as much as your heart does.
ahh, in three months, how could i learn to understand these things about myself? (because you've always been putting off this decision and thinking about what's best for you in a pile of not-great options, and because new york has let you have space and dreams and yourself and your best friend(s) and food and happiness and truly - cities are the spaces to dream in)}
I think - I'm afraid that my happy oasis is going to be upended. I know it is.
I think it's too goddamn cold in NYC right now and spring needs to hurry its warm ass over. For the third time. Please?
And I have two sheep that rhyme with -uffy. Life goal achieved.
And then thoughts.
Laverne Cox, Aydian Dowling - their outside appearances match their inner feelings - minus genitalia, but does that matter?
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