It's been almost 2 months now, and for the first time I can say I've finally calmed down about it. I feel older though, in the sense that I've learned so much about what people can do, both good and bad, that I never knew before nor really ever wanted to. The feelings are there still, but only just barely - it doesn't feel more than what I feel for most, if not all of my friends. They're miniscule in comparison to what they were before, and they'll never grow above them again, I think. That overall feeling of sadness and disappointment is still there and I don't think it will ever go away when I'm around him, but at the same time, I kind of just feel sorry for him sometimes, too. But there's still so much hurt that I just don't really want to be around him that much anymore, because I thought hanging out would have fixed things and made them better like it did last time - but it just makes that heart-wrenching feeling so much worse and just makes me not want to see him at all. And I don't really care about the relationship or fixing it anymore, I'm kind of just glad its gone. Ironically, he was right - maybe it was kind of foreshadowing that the only favorite song we really shared was Slow Dancing in a Burning Room - that no matter what, our relationship was going to fail from the beginning and both of us knew it, whether or not we wanted to admit it.

Maybe I needed this, but now, the relationship is past its' time and place. I don't think I'll ever take any relationship or even any friendship for granted ever again, because I'd never want to put someone through what I felt, and I feel like I'll make a far greater effort to communicate and be on the same page as the other person and make sure that they really are happy. Hopefully, one day, I can shower whoever him will be with as much love as humanly possible and maybe, maybe someday it will all work out and be returned.

But even though those feelings are gone, that sense of old and tired is still there. I feel like I was dying a little over the past year, and that the person I am today is far less sure about herself and how good she is because of a year of constant sniping and harshness from someone who I thought I loved (and perhaps I did) but who didn't love me back. And I don't really know how to change that other than just ignoring all that hurt and trying to be as good of a person as I can be.

But at least now,  I feel like a giant weight has been lifted off my shoulders, and I feel free. And happier than I have in a long time, because I'm starting to feel like me again.