alcohol does funny things to your thought processes. or it just forces you to think. and conclude. realize that your first conclusion was just an outpouring of everything you wanted to say drunk and then..the conclusions on the level past that.

because it feels like he's just taking out all his frustration with his situation and using that as an excuse to not do anything for you, because she never thought to do that for him...so an eye for an eye. because, because...people like him (and possibly you, though now you wonder if it's just insanity talking on your end because there's so much and so little to believe in ) still believe in true love and the one. because there is a world in between. because of so many things.

and my answer, to you, to him, to all of them who ask me why i didn't pick any of the others - i chose because he made me laugh and forget, way back when, and in putting through all of it and learning to love someone too, i tried because of that laughter. you can't do anything though, when someone forgets to let you make them laugh. how do you teach someone to learn to remember that? that comes from within, the learning. 

and it's felt like putting pieces together in all the wrong ways for a long time, and you knew it too. you know you can't force anything, and keeping things together by a thread is forcing it. if you yourself didn't feel the spark anymore, how would he? if freedom feels good to you, then...even better for him. so why did you ask? you know him, if you had to ask, then it was a no. because you know...

the answer, for all of his problems, for all of your problems, for toeing that thin line right now all the time that you realize exists between sanity and insanity, for wondering why three months of happiness existed for both you and him and the year afterwards meant something in the grand scheme of things, for wondering if he'll ever see the world the way you see it, for all of your questions, for wondering if sparks actually existed and can re-spark, for wondering who that one person is

is time.

and with time comes waiting. and you don't want to wait for an answer looming over your head, that's not the kind of answer you want. because you believe in the one as well..so it should be natural. and because you didn't want that question hanging over your head and distracting you from school this next year, is why you asked.

you know well enough the answer why things aren't working out for you now in the grand scheme of things, if there's a divine thing up there - because this time, you should actually be devoting yourself to school, and you don't need the people because they just always, always mess you up, and you're gonna need that time and the independence to concentrate, over this next half year or so, until you've settled yourself into a good mentality. and you (and him) need a good, nice, break from guilt and insanity and a lot of time for yourselves.  

be patient, little cygnet, bear the ugliness now with grace and sometimes you'll find beauty later.