Writing a lot again. I think its because I don't want to burden other people with my thoughts and because everything just seems kind of meaningless nowadays and because...I just want a sounding board, not advice. Not that all of my thoughts make sense or are valid, but writing them out so I can see them the next day is nice. Or maybe because once again, I just have a lot of time on my hands, and a lot of time for empty thoughts.

I want to run away, I want to fit in in a world where I don't know, I want to see everything there is under the sun, and then some. I'm subscribed to a freaking tumblr of transit maps, and three of half the pretty places in the world and well, I also just want somewhere I can call home.

"well in the end, we can all call a friend,
well that's something that i know as true
in a thousand years, and a thousand tears,
i'll come finding my original crew
cause to me throughout eternity
 there is somewhere we are welcome to go
i said it's something free that means a lot to me,
when i'm with my friends i feel home."

They're all scattered now, the ones that I love best, and maybe that's why it's harder and why I feel so restless - and maybe why I've taken to videochatting them more and calling people because it feels better than words on a screen. And it's also like..the people I've turned to as my safe harbors in the past couple years that are nearby are either gone or I dislike them because they're really stupid or I don't want to bother them too much because they're busy studying for stuff like CPA exams and junk or working

In some ways it's hard, this silence...because I dunno, I miss the talking more than the relationship label, but that's natural, I guess. Well I guess both are part of each but I digresssssss. It's like nowadays that I can deal with unhiding him off the gchat list and seeing him on and it doesn't set a jolt of pain through. Is being friends really going to be that difficult for me if I let it be un-difficult? That is something that I think I need to answer on my own and have figured out though, because I don't really want ulterior motives to be the primary reason why I talk to him and that's always a rollercoaster of fun when I'm in a shitty mood. Secondary or tertiary motive...eh, as long as I can put it out of my head then meh.  I'd prefer not to ruin being friends with herpaderping though...and talking to him the past couple times or seeing him I still have that trigger on, which isn't good. I'm not sure that level of hurt/bitter will ever go away, and I just don't always want to be waiting and I'm afraid of that, I suppose. I like to think I'm saner than that...but -_- when your own prof is like girls: sane, pretty, or smart, pick two at best...I'm not sure I get any pick of the three in whole portions hahaha. But I'm also tired of everyone thinking that if they're in a bad mood about shit he does that I want to hear about it...I don't, it's just another reminder, and I like knowing only happy gossip or girl failz on a couple people's ends, not I've got some beef with you gossip unless its from the triumvirate because then it's just funny. Seriously though, that part is a bit annoying -_-, I'm fine ragging on whatshisface because he's a pain in the ass and makes it a point to be a pain in the ass in every single way possible to a lot of people and has about as much sense as a toothpick, but...eh, this is different.

I wanna know things, you know? To be like an encyclopedia of knowledge but to understand it all, to understand how basic physics stuff makes the world go around, to look at something and be able to simplify it down into an elegant set of numbers and equations...to be able to talk Dostoevsky (actually that's a lie, I don't really like him) but Flaubert, Plath, and Plato, but most importantly...to be able to use all that knowledge to do something with the world. People keep on telling me that they're impressed by the fact that I'd go back now or they scoff a little, being like..hey, shouldn't you have figured this out a couple years ago, but I wouldn't have been that patient when I started school, and better figure out that I wanted to do engineering now than in ten years. But I feel so empty right now and I feel like it's because I've neglected that side of me for so long and now it isn't forgotten and it feels like it's getting filled. The beauty of literature and mathematics and just..paying attention to things. Or considering that my current reading consists of a book thats called div, curl, grad and all that which might just unite all those three.

Maybe I write because my own thoughts don't make sense anymore, and I just feel the compulsion to write until they make sense.  tl;dr will write more later because it is time to run off now

Later: 2.5 hours of practice, 1.5 of gym/weightlifting with crazy man, too tired to do anything but shower and flop over. Must do statics homework tomorrow. At least I'll probably just tire myself to the point that I can sleep okay  because this whole not being able to fall asleep until 4 business and still waking up at 8 and then 9 and then 10 is getting really frustrating. All this restless is still jittering through, but maybe both of them are from the caffeine...qq okay I think I need to eat dinner now even though its 11:00. Sometimes having practice during dinnertime is unfortunate = =