Looking back on this year...

I learned....

I am both kinder and more calculating than I thought I was, that the world's small things are the beautiful things, that in the end of the day, no matter how bad it is, life goes on. And can be quite nice, and filled with food.  There's not much else I can say. Om nom nom.

That I could sometimes be very, very good with math and concepts, when I tried and focused..and that I could be also be godawfully terrible when I try to cram it. That programming is a language and a syntax thing, and maybe sometimes even understandable...and that at its core, even if I'm far worse at it than liberal arts, I like engineering more.

That I want to be able to dance in flow and snap. Not hard-hitting and swagged out, but still, that's something that I'm going to be able to do someday. Perhaps I'm giving up on wushu too, but ...sometimes, I just don't think I have the mentality for wushu. Or the body type.

That I make questionable decisions out of loneliness and out of holding onto the past, but once that moment is passed and the other lets go or somehow my trigger point is reached, that I walk away with a modicum of ease. Well, I knew that already, but even more so now. And that I almost completely disassociate past triggers after that point is reached, almost to a sense of numbness, whereas up until that point everything still recalls something.

And that perhaps, now, I understand why people say they're in love with their best friend, not...they're in love and that's why the person is their best friend. Well, then again, is this is love?  I don't think so. Loving someone and being in love are two different things...but at the same time, are they one and the same in this case?  No sudden rush of heady joy, no crazy desire that drives the world away, and all the storming and adriftness that comes with those two feelings, but...just happiness, quiet, and pure, where the inside is light and the heart bright, and the feeling that I like most. It's nice to enjoy someone else's company and being, and they yours, even if they're almost three thousand miles away. And this categorization is something that I don't think I need to worry about, or think about. It is what it is, what more needs to be thought or said?

And perhaps, now, this is life in reality, rather than fiction, where life is neither a waking dream or idle break from musings, but just itself.

Merry Christmas, happy holidays, and well, I think this year has been a lot happier and fulfilling than I thought it would be, and thank you, life, for that present this year.